Finding Courage: Trish's Story
by thenostalgicdreamer
Summary: All her life, Trish has struggled to feel that she matters. Will she ever discover her worth?


_Trez Shippers, this one is for you..._

* * *

"We should get married," Dez said.

Trish's throat tightened making her worry that she was going to choke. "What?" she laughed trying to maintain her composure.

Dez waved his hand calmly as if he weren't saying anything out of the ordinary. "If we're still single at thirty-five, let's get married."

She stared at him in surprise hoping the look on her face would make him rethink the whole thing. "That makes no sense. I don't like you; you don't like me. Besides, you and Carrie are perfect together. You've said so yourself." Her confidence rose with her last sentence. How could he argue with something that he had said?

"But what if we're not?" He got that troubled look in his eye, and Trish hoped that he wouldn't cry. "I have my doubts."

She picked her tone carefully using only as harsh of one as was needed. "You're supposed to be the hopeful one," she scolded.

"Trish, I'm a hopeless romantic, and I believe in true love. If Carrie and I don't get back together, let's get married."

"Like that makes any sense?" Trish shrugged. "You were just saying that you wanted nothing but true love and then you say that if you and Carrie don't work out, we should get married?" She shook her head. Sometimes Dez was a little loco.

"It does make sense," Dez responded. "You're my best girlfriend, and you love me."

She felt herself get worked up at the thought. She was not Dez's girlfriend. She didn't love him, and even if she did, there was no way he loved her back. "No," she pointed at him for emphasis. "I'm not your girlfriend. That's Carrie." She saw the tears come to his eyes and with them regret came to her own heart. "Stop," she commanded, and he did although he stared at her like a scolded dog. She felt torn up inside. She had to do this, but at such a cost? "And I don't love you."

"But you're my best friend who's a girl. Doesn't that make you my girlfriend?" Trish started to interrupt, but Dez just kept going. "I know that you love me. I'm the love whisperer, remember? I see the way you look at me when you think I'm not looking." She wanted to correct him, but the look on his face made her think that he would be hard to convince.

"So what do you say?" he proposed. "Let's get married at thirty-five or at least talk about it if we're still single."

"Sure," she grumbled attempting to disguise the hope that was rising within her. "We can talk about it."

"Pinky promise," Dez said excitedly. "I'm holding you to this."

She put his pinky to his, and he kissed her hand. "Stop," she said. "No kisses until we're thirty-five."

"I'll wait," he said with a smile. He stared at his hand as if willing the moment to become permanently engrained in his memory.

* * *

After that day, Trish had begun wondering if perhaps Dez loved her. It seemed impossible given the way the fact that they were at each other's throats all time. Any passerby would have guessed that they hated each other. That of course was completely false. Still, she couldn't quite believe that he loved her. He was a sap who dreamed over happily ever afters doubtless with a girl who had been waiting for him all her life—a girl who wasn't Trish.

For as long as she could remember, Trish had known that she was different than other girls. She was loud and abrupt and dominant not shy, demure, and docile. Laziness was one of her vices, and she didn't like anyone to see her passion. Worst of all, she pushed people away when they got to close. Despite her best efforts, she couldn't stop doing this. It wasn't her fault that closeness made her panic, but it probably meant that she would not find love. She simply wasn't the type of girl that guys usually wanted, and she wasn't easy to love. Besides, she was a doubter not a dreamer. If love was as magical as everyone described it, it would have a way to know see her unbelief and avoid her.

The thought that Dez might love her shook her to the core. He knew all of this about her, and still he had talked as if he wanted to marry her. It made her wonder if perhaps there was more to her than she had believed. Could it be that she wasn't just a worthless scrap of humanity but a person with gifts, potential, and a future? Amid her doubts, a fledgling sense of purpose began growing in her heart.

She watched Dez constantly looking for any sign that he indeed loved her. As she did, though, she noticed something else—pain and sadness. Outwardly, he tried his best to be his normal happy, goofy self, but there was clearly some weight dragging down his heart. Pondering the situation, she knew why. He missed Carrie because she was part of him now. He needed her. Without her, his spirit was tragically dying. Unwilling to watch him die before her eyes, Trish had decided to play couples' counselor and get him and Carrie back together. They belonged together, and it would be wrong for her to not do what she could.

The crisis averted, Trish found herself reflecting on what she had done. She had said goodbye to her once-in-a-million chance at love. It had been right in her grasp, so close that she could have had it if she had wanted it badly enough. Yet, she had not been able to take it for herself knowing that she would never be able to forgive herself for sacrificing Dez's happiness for her own. As she thought of how happy he was with Carrie, she couldn't help wondering if he hadn't ever loved her after all. Perhaps in his sadly, lonely Dez mind, she had been the only girl in the world and making her promise the only way he knew to bring relief to his aching heart.

With that thought, she had considered the case closed and had made up her mind to forget that Dez had made that promise. It was a silly one. Why should it matter to her now? Her life was by no means over. She was young with many hopes, dreams, and possibilities ahead. Even if she spent the rest of her life alone, she could still have a happy and full life, right?

Everything was fine until Team Austin parted ways after high school graduation. Without her friends, she knew the first time what it was like to be alone. Although she was busy pursuing her dream of acting, the world felt empty and lifeless. Never in her moments of deepest doubt had she imagined that missing someone could hurt so much. She hadn't thought that missing Dez and Ally would literally make her heart ache, and there was little to ease her pain. Dez and Ally's lives were an endless stream of classes, and their hearts were full of people other than her. They didn't text her good morning and ask her about her day, and sometimes days passed before she heard from them.

Her college years passed quietly. Her acting teachers believed that she had promise, and she had gotten in big roles in the school shows. Yet, her success didn't fill the void in her heart to be loved and known. She made friends but few that really loved her. She got tired of being popular—the empty chitchat, the heartless favors, and the biting melodrama. Despite her sadness, she managed to graduate at the top of her class. Doing something she loved had done wonders for her motivation. Upon the recommendation of an agent she consulted, she moved to New York City to work her way up the acting ranks.

Living alone in New York City, she found success landing bigger and bigger parts. Yet, she couldn't help feeling alone in a city where she knew almost no one. The people she met were like herself eager to climb the ranks. They didn't have time for friendship especially with someone who wouldn't necessarily help advance their careers.

She cried a little the day that Dez got engaged to Carrie. He was gone forever like Ally was, transported to a world where she didn't belong. The hasty promise of years ago was void forever. That week, she had a heart-to-heart with herself. She had to get over this moping and self-pity. She was a beautiful young woman with an exciting career full of possibilities. Why was she—who was in such an enviable position—not recognizing that her life was vibrant and beautiful?

Instead, she dove into the single life with its late nights and unshared cartons of ice cream. Pouring her heart into her work, she landed a role in a popular off-Broadway play. Although she was popular and successful, she felt empty and dissatisfied. The people around her were often catty and self-seeking, and she longed for someone who really believed that she was worthwhile. The praise of her critics did little to calm her insecurities. Instead, she found herself envious of the Broadway actresses who had the world of theatre at their fingertips. If only she was more hardworking, more beautiful, more polite; she could be where they were. The more she thought, the more she felt like a side character living in the shadows. Perhaps that was all that she was good for.

On a visit to Miami, she met Chuck at an event at their local tv station. He was a chef now, a good one with a show on the local station as well as his own restaurant. She had been so glad to see a familiar face that she had taken his invitation to sit at his table. They had talked about life. She had known what he was up to, but she had listened anyway knowing that it flattered his vanity. Besides, it felt good for someone to be seeking out her company. It felt like too long since anyone had listened to what she had to say. The evening had been fun; she hadn't laughed like that in forever. Saying yes to seeing him again had been an easy choice. It was time to stop sitting on the sidelines and make herself the main character in the story of her life.

They began seeing each other long distance. It wasn't anything exciting, but she enjoyed herself. Chuck knew how to make a girl smile, and sometimes she felt sure that she was really happy. It wasn't the true love Dez had talked about, but she wasn't a sap like him. This would have to do for her. When Chuck proposed a year later, she had said yes. He needed a wife to take to his luncheons, and she, well, she would never be by herself again.

She hadn't been over the moon on her wedding day like Dez and Ally had been, but she looked the part of a perfect bride and wearing a smile along with the most exquisite dress. The wedding day had gone off without any major glitches. As Chuck said, the important thing was that when it ended they were married.

Everything had started off alright. Chuck had been really excited about the prospect of a family of his own, so they had decided to start trying for a baby right away. Trish had gotten pregnant a few months later, and they had both been so excited and happy. Unfortunately, things had gone downhill from there. Trish had been sick for the entire pregnancy even going on bedrest for the last couple weeks. After a rough labor, Trish had given birth to a baby girl. Chuck had named her Magnolia Rose. Trish—too exhausted to think—had not protested even though she didn't really like the name.

Chuck was momentarily disappointed that the baby wasn't a boy, but he had quickly forgotten his preference when he saw her. She was too adorable to hold a grudge against for long. Besides, the next baby would be a boy. In a moment of perhaps rare patience, Chuck had agreed to wait awhile to try for a boy. Trish needed her rest, and they both had to adjust to caring for little Magnolia Rose.

After that rocky start, they settled into a comfortable routine. Chuck was doting husband making sure Trish had everything she needed and insisting that she try to get a few roles a year. As he said, work makes a happy wife. Miami didn't have a lot of roles, but she landed them. She felt disappointed to put her career on hold to some degree, but hadn't she chosen this? She no longer spent her days and nights alone, and having someone who was interested in the details of her like made her feel like she mattered.

To her surprise, Chuck proved to be a good dad to little Magnolia Rose as well. He got over his initial disappointment almost immediately and treated her like a little princess. He was always posting pictures of her on Friendnet, and it was his quick eye that had spotted the fact that she was an usual beauty. Harnessing his connections, he had gotten her into beauty pageants. He had been nothing more than thrilled when she had begun winning, and many of his conversations with friends and colleagues alike began with Did you know that Magnolia Rose….

The year Magnolia Rose turned five, they tried again for their boy. As Chuck said, genes this good shouldn't be wasted. They were sure to have a boy who was as handsome as Magnolia Rose was pretty. They were both excited when it didn't take Trish long to get pregnant. To their disappointment, they had lost the baby not long afterward, and then they lost the next baby. Chuck wasn't a quitter, but Trish had insisted that her heart needed some time to heal.

After that, they had simply given up. They had their precious girl, and that would have to be enough. Yet, Trish could see that Chuck was disappointed. She tried her best to be everything to him, but the distance grew between them and she was sure she felt his love grow colder.

She spent months wondering what was wrong until one day when she saw pictures of Sun-Hee with a baby bump on Friendnet. It all came to her instantly, filling her heart with shame and disappointment. She couldn't believe that she had settled for a man who had cheated on her with a girl he had known in high school. The whole situation was so disgusting. She said nothing preferring to hope that perhaps things would get better. What else could she do?

Yet, things didn't get better. Instead, Chuck announced he was leaving three months later, and Trish had no doubt about were he was going. Just like that, she was alone again. However, she felt helpless this time. Seven long years of passivity had taken their toll leaving her feeling paralyzed. She didn't know what to do, but Miami only brought back bad memories. She had to leave. New York City was the only other place she knew, so she took Magnolia Rose there knowing that things had to improve. She quickly reconnected with her agent, found an apartment, and began working on resurrecting her career.

Just when things were starting to turn around, she discovered that she was pregnant again and found herself falling apart. Her life was still not her own. Despite his total lack of interest, Chuck still claimed part of her. That idea was maddening when she wanted to forget him and move on with her life. But as angry as she was with him, she was angrier with herself. How she let her brave, wise, intelligent self become a side character in a narcissistic man's story? There had been nothing wrong with her before. Now, she was back to where she had started after college with the added challenge of raising a daughter who looked more and more like her father every day.

As time passed, Trish began to realize that she was free. She might be pregnant with Chuck's baby, but he did not have control over her anymore. She was independent, capable of making the choices that would be the best for herself and her children. Those choices had the power to shape her life and take her where she wanted to go. She could resume her job as an actress or decide that something else was better. She could try to make friends backstage or at the coffee shop. Even if she didn't, she had two precious children who loved her regardless of the mistakes that she had made.

Her confidence in her own power only grew as time passed. She came to realize that as reluctant as she had been to believe that she mattered, she did. She was a unique human being with the ability to change her own life and those of the people around her. In doing so, she could become the main character in her life and write a story that would be perfect for her.

Armed with this fresh prospective, the birth of Little Zayn Juan (for her father) McCoy was a triumph rather than a disappointment. He was absolutely perfect, and the divorce had been finalized days before leaving her finally completely free. Life would be hard. Wasn't it always? But with her children beside her and courage in her heart, she knew that she would take on the world and carve out a place for herself.

* * *

She found herself at a little cafe in the city on her thirty-fifth birthday. Dez sat across from her. He had explained that it would only be right for one of her oldest friends to be with her on her big day. Besides, he had been terribly lonely ever since Carrie had passed away in a car wreck and took any opportunity to be with friends.

"So how does thirty-five feel?" he laughed. "You're wearing it well. I hope you know that."

"Thanks," she said. "It feels amazing. I never thought I'd say this, but I think I'm finally where I'm supposed to be."

She watched a cloud spread across his face. He looked down, and she couldn't help feeling proud of the self-control he gained over the past few years. They were growing up.

"What?" she asked.

"Oh, I was just remembering something….something not very important, definitely not worth mentioning," he finished quickly.

"I'd guess this has something to with some pinky promise or something."

"You remember?" he said incredulously.

"Do you think I would forget the first conversation I ever had with a guy about marriage?"

"No," he said still looking dazed. "You love me?"

She paused for a moment hating to say what she really felt, but what was there to be afraid of? This was Dez. She could trust him with anything, and they could talk through any awkwardness.

"Yes," she said intentionally avoiding eye contact.

"I love you too," he said grabbing her hand. "so much."

Emboldened by her newfound courage, she let herself stare into his eyes and bask in the warmth of his affection.

"We're thirty-five," he continued. "And I'd love to talk about marriage, if you're okay with that."

She already knew what her answer was. "Yes," she said quickly.

"So I was thinking that we go out on a few date. I can easily get…" he began.

She snuck into his side of the booth and kissed him.

He looked at her in surprise. "We're thirty-five now," she began. "And yes, I'll marry you. I just need some time. Let's get to know each other again."

"Starting now," Dez said leaning over to kiss her again. As happy as Trish was with Dez beside her, she was even happier for the courage that she'd found inside—the courage to believe in herself and let herself be loved.

* * *

 **Author's Note: I refuse to consider the Dez/Carrie and Trish/Chuck marriages canon because there was little support for them throughout the series. As a result, I am considering this fic an au. I hope that it gives you some comfort after the very disappointing finale.**


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